Recently, I had to take my son to one of his routine lessons. I was on call for a family law case in a particular County so I figured I would just keep my file in my car for the week just in case the Trial Court Coordinator called me on the fly and needed me to head to court. So when I picked up my son to take him to his appointment, my file was on the backseat of the car. While driving, the file inadvertently jostled open and some of my photographic exhibits were exposed. My son stopped as he got in the back seat and said “Mom, can you please get your crime scene photos out of the backseat?”

            Of course, my exhibits were photographs from a family law matter, not a criminal matter. But, this experience got me thinking. Clearly, my parenting experience as a criminal lawyer is very much different from the parenting experience for someone who was not a criminal litigator. Being a criminal litigator is a weird animal, really. When I talk to not only non-lawyers but non-litigators, I always get strange looks followed by this phrase, almost verbatim: “I do not know how you do what you do.” Is it really that out of the ordinary what I do? You mean, other parents don’t experience the depravity of the human condition on a regular basis then go home and try and be a “normal” parent? Hmmm….

            Even under the most optimal conditions, parenting is a beast. I have said it before and continue to say it: Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever had. So how can we do it when we are in this type of “business”? We have to admit, what the criminal litigator does can be viewed as quite strange. What other profession, other than law enforcement, where the staff at all nearby jail facilities know you by name and don’t give you any problem about seeing an inmate outside of visiting hours? It’s weird. Not to us, but it is weird.

            How can the modern criminal litigator manage parenthood in this social media day and age? Because, when you are a criminal litigator, you cannot ignore what you learn going through discovery. Phone dumps, thousands of text messages, geolocation data, snaps and screenshots are a modern criminal litigator’s worst nightmare when it comes to the parenting vantage point (and there aught to be a course on how to interpret and translate teenagers’ text messages, dear God!) A longtime colleague of mine recounted the process by which he negotiated with his then five-year-old about when he would allow him to get a phone (the kid wanted one at 11 years old and my colleague at 13 years old. They compromised at 12 years old). Technology makes our jobs a lot more interesting, but also it is what our nightmares as parents are made of.

So, with all of that, how can we be parents let alone aspire to be parents that don’t suck? I feel that faithful readers of this blog KNOW that I don’t profess to know all the answers. I write to hopefully shed light on the conundrums and quandaries that face us practitioners so that we can hopefully lead a better practicing life. So, I would like to scratch some things out that I have learned and some things I know I need to learn.

            When you are a criminal litigator as a parent, I think we need to be honest with our kids about what we actually do for a living; in an age appropriate way. What we do is honorable, respectable, interesting and good. Why hide it from our kids? Also, it is what we are passionate about and what clearly takes us away from them for more time than we would like. So, how DO you talk to a little kid about murder, robbery, mayhem and downright failure to do right-ness? I put it in really simple terms and leave out the nitty gritty:

Busy Criminal Attorney Mom:      Baby, mommy can’t drop you off at school today so Daddy will take you to                                                                                     school this morning.

Innocent Child:                                       Mommy, why can’t you take me morning?

Busy Criminal Attorney Mom:      Oh, honey! I have got to go to see a client in jail.

Innocent Child:                                       Why are they in jail?

Busy Criminal Attorney Mom:      Well, some people think that they have done something against the law.                                                                                       Mommy is visiting them to help them.

Innocent Child:                                       What did they do?

Busy Criminal Attorney Mom:      Nothing. But some people think they took a lot of money from someone                                                                                       without asking first. When you get a little older, I can explain it better but for                                                                             right now, we gotta get moving!  

                  If the truth is that my client is in jail for allegedly committing a violent crime, I try not to lie to my child. I usually say that people think that my client hurt someone else. When I was a domestic violence prosecutor, the reason for me not dropping off my kid was that I had domestic violence court and that I HAD to be there because nothing happens without the ADA being there. Being honest with my kid about what I do also helps my stress level. It takes a hell of a lot less energy and ingenuity to try and FIND the comfortable answers as opposed to just…well…just answering.

                  I find what is most challenging about being the “busy criminal attorney mom” is the fact that when I have to be in court, I have to be in court. I absolutely hate being late to court or just strolling in like some attorneys do. Having to go to Court to me is like a surgeon having to get to the hospital for a scheduled surgery; you CAN’T be late. That rigidity I find to be the most challenging part of being a criminal lawyer (who consistently goes to court) who is a parent. When the court calls, we have to answer. That can be difficult to explain to a toddler who just wants their mom to take them to school.

            I think the major hurdle that I have faced in my life as a criminal litigator and trying to be a good parent is the elusive time. In the face of work I always feel I don’t have enough time to parent in any real effective way. I am totally guilty of well…you all know….the guilt. The work sometimes just feels like it is always trying to fight me for its undivided attention; I mean fist fight me in the street like I tried to steal its boyfriend. How do we cure this? Is there a secret sauce that anyone would like to share, because I am all ears.

            The bottom line is that we just have to do the best we can. We DO do the best that we can as criminal litigator parents to fulfill all our duties and obligations to the job as well as our children. But it ain’t easy. And because it is not easy, for those of us who from time to time feel “the guilt” we must remind ourselves that as long as we are doing the best that we can and doing it with love, we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves.